The Meaning Behind “Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez is both an actress and a pop singer, having made a seamless transition from Disney Channel darling to highly respected musician. She has had a huge number of major hits, including “Come and Get It,” “Hands to Myself,” and “It Ain’t Me,” to name just a few. In 2021, she released a Spanish-language EP, Revelación, which was nominated for a Grammy.

One of Gomez’s biggest hits was the 2020 track “Lose You to Love Me,” a pop ballad that peaked at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and received three platinum certifications in the U.S. alone. Coincidentally (or maybe not), its release was just three weeks after the marriage of Gomez’s ex-boyfriend, Justin Bieber, to Hailey Baldwin.

Many people have questioned whether the meaning behind “Lose You to Love Me” has to do with Gomez’s relationship with Bieber. While Gomez herself has never denied the fact, she has also kept her commentary focused on her reactions to the breakup and its impact on her mental health. The singer is a passionate advocate for destigmatizing mental health and has been open about her struggles with anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. “Lose You to Love Me” might be a breakup song, but it is one fueled by healing, not hatred.

Gomez’s Relationship with Justin Bieber

Gomez was in a long-term relationship with pop singer Justin Bieber starting when they were only 16 and 17 years old. After being introduced by their managers, the couple began dating around 2010. Their often tumultuous relationship would continue until 2018, but not without breakups in 2012 and 2014.

They each dated other people periodically during their breaks. Gomez dated The Weeknd briefly in 2017, while Bieber dated and then broke up with his future wife, Hailey Bieber.

Bieber and Gomez reconnected in late 2017, and by early 2018 they were dating again. However, they broke up in April of that year, this time for good. Just two months later, Bieber was back together with Hailey Baldwin. The couple got married in September 2018.

The Songwriting Process

Gomez wrote the song with pop songwriting icons Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter, with whom she had worked on many songs in the past. The duo contributed to some of her biggest hits, including “Hands to Myself” and “Good For You.”

“All I know is these two songs were me wrapping up a chapter in a pretty little bow,” Gomez said in an interview with Ryan Seacrest. “It would be stupid of me if I didn’t acknowledge what I felt because it would be inauthentic.”

In interviews since her breakup, Gomez has said that she now recognizes that she was the victim of emotional abuse. This is reflected in lyrics that describe a relationship that was one-sided, with her ex losing engagement when it didn’t benefit him.

I put you first, and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off-key in my chorus
‘Cause it wasn’t yours

Gomez said that time and maturity had taught her to move past feeling like a victim. Instead, she realized the breakup had been good for her because she had gained a stronger sense of her own identity.

We’d always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dancing was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me

The most open reference to Bieber comes in the final stanza, when she mentions that her ex replaced her in two months:

In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing

Bieber and Gomez split up in April 2018. He was reported to be dating Hailey Baldwin in June of the same year; then they got engaged in July and informally married at a courthouse in September. Gomez did not comment on the marriage. Bieber and Baldwin’s formal wedding took place in September 2019, and Gomez released “Lose You to Love Me” three weeks later.

“It’s not a hateful song,” Gomez said in an interview with NPR in 2020. “It’s a song that is saying, I had something beautiful, and I would never deny that it wasn’t that. It was very difficult, and I’m happy it’s over. And I felt like this was a great way to just say, you know, it’s done, and I understand that, and I respect that, and now here I am stepping into a whole other chapter.”

Gomez and Mental Health

Gomez did not hide that the song was about her experiences with Bieber. But she has also focused on her emotions about the breakup and the subsequent healing period. She has been outspoken about her struggles with mental health. Gomez has suffered from anxiety and depression for much of her adult life, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2020.

“This song was inspired by many things that have happened in my life since releasing my last album,” Gomez wrote in the YouTube comments of her music video. “I want people to feel hope and to know you will come out the other side stronger and a better version of yourself.”

The singer and actress has become known as a mental health advocate. She helped found Wondermind, an online platform to help those in crisis, as well as the nonprofit Rare Impact Fund, which raises awareness about mental health issues.

“Thank you all for standing by my side through the highs and lows,” Gomez wrote on Twitter. “I couldn’t do it without you all and I can’t wait to start my next adventure with you.”

For her contributions to destigmatizing and providing resources for mental health issues, Gomez has received awards from the Stanford Healthcare Innovation Lab and the Ruderman Family Foundation.

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